*Life is like a novel, with lots of chapters in it..

Friday, June 26, 2009 at 8:05 PM

Just some random thought, so please dont ask me what happen.

Life is like a novel, with lots of chapter in it.
some chapter might be boring.
some chapter might be thrilling.
some chapter might be hurting.
some chapter might be heartening.
some chapter might be loving.
some chapter might be shortening.
some chapter might be stressing.

but no matter what chapter you are in, it is alway a learning process for everyone and do look ahead of it. Be it a sad or happy chapter, be it a sad or happy ending. This is something which we human have to go through. some of the thing that is happening or had happen might hurt you deep and leave you scar. but it will be a lesson to learn. do remember on the good memories you had and forget the bad want(s).

People comes and goes, the cycle repeat itself. How many really stay by your side? no one can answer. people grow people change. some one you know for years might change over night due to certain reason. some one you know might just leave this world without saying any last word to you. some one who you think is your close friend might betray you. some one who love you might just be a player. some one who you love might not be your the one.

so how many of your friends really stay by your side going through the chapter of your life?

- 琳 -

Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 11:26 AM

random~
email sent by liping

Please read till end...
This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please, read this story until the end, it is such an
opener.

You never Know.........!
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years
with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him
through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where
he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant
greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said:
"Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling. Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For
example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!"
I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?"
Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached
his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the
house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside.
As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at
hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her.
He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed
down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that
as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me.! Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and usher the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other.
Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach
them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western
restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past
is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.
From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the
bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear
light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use
this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?
He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming
out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at
me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had
thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor
said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long.
I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer
was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:
"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love
your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary,
university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there. Hubby has also written a letter for me:
"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I
want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would
smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every
year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging’’ Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son
over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open
his in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price,
every thing became too late."........This is a true story.

LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.... This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of grudge.

- 琳 -

Monday, June 22, 2009 at 11:20 PM

had a busy day @ work today.
cause there is 1 aunty that love to throw all her work to me.
but i still love my new colleagues.
they are nice people.
and my sup look fierce but actually she is nice too.
actually i shoud say.
my section people all is cranky.
haha.
well i am 1 cranky girl too.
but then i just started working like 4th days.
so wasnt so cranky YET.
as i still got lots of stuff to learn.
i had apparently finish learning 30% of my jobscope.
but i have problem with the routing of eInovice as every morning i was busy nua-ing on my seat.
taking my own sweet time to do my stuff.
then rush in the afternoon.
=x
but tomorrow onwards i have to FIGHT all the way in the morning because there is too much invoice for me to send to vendor for payment.
hence i must act hardworking eh.
L
O
L

- 琳 -

Friday, June 19, 2009 at 10:31 AM

i'd a dream, in my dream some1 told me this: ''Haha. Tats also 1 thing i can confirm. I dun wanna leave u. My love for u is growin more n more for u day by day. I love u may seems to u like a common word. But i will try my best to use action to prove to u.''

After i woke up, i ask myself: will this really happen in reality?

- 琳 -

Thursday, June 18, 2009 at 1:43 PM

dont know what happen.
i losing appetite again.
only manage to finish half a bowl of bak chou mee

- 琳 -

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 at 8:56 PM

夜里传来雨的声音　
轻轻拨动心的旋律　
情不自禁想起你　
那些甜蜜的回忆
总是不小心就淋湿了我的眼睛　

爱情需要一些呼吸　
偶尔保持一点距离
回到朋友的关系　
任你自由的来去　
从此想念你只能放在我心里
你还爱我吗　
一直好想问你这句话　
却又怕　听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗　
为何你总是不说话　
眼看我为爱不爱挣扎
你爱我吗　

好久没有你的消息　
心里还惦记着你
在这冷冷的夜里　
感觉那么的熟悉　
好想再见你想听听你的声音
你还爱我吗　
一直好想问你这句话　
却又怕　听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗　
为何你总是不说话　
眼看我为爱不爱挣扎
你爱我吗　

感情的路总让人好无助　
我会学着面对独处
给深爱的你祝福
oh　
一直好想问你这句话　
却又怕　听到你真实的回答
你还爱我吗　
这是我唯一的牵挂　
不管你会有什么回答
我会一直等你　
你还爱我吗

- 琳 -

1st day of work.
my mind so blank.
is thinking of something.
and hoping for something.

- 琳 -

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 at 11:43 PM

am gonna start my new job tml.
god bless me.

- 琳 -

after much complaining of no job i was being offered an admin post job but on contract basis.. =(
pay will be low still saded..i need extra time to save for BKK trip..so sad lo..

- 琳 -

Monday, June 15, 2009 at 2:48 PM

it is damn freaking tiring.
last week i was running around for interview didnt even had a good rest.
i suppose to rest 1 week before i wanted to start work but who know there is so many interview to go.
argh~
in the end it was like normal days or worst.
have to rush 2-3 places for interveiw almost everyday and it is so freaking tiring can!
and no1 wanna hire me!!!!!!! that is e most sian part lo..
going for so many interview but no1 wan to hire me.
then my BKK trip HOW HOW HOW!

- 琳 -

Sunday, June 14, 2009 at 11:42 PM

had been looking for job and goin for interview till i am super tired..haix

- 琳 -

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 at 2:59 PM

wee~ looking forward to this sat..
meeting my liping for a shopping trip..
okie window shopping trip..
LOL..
both of us is poor ger okie..
xD
she is saving up for her Miu Miu & i havent even got my job yet so ya we can only do window shopping..hahahahahahaha..

i wanna watch movies~ it had been long since i watch a movie..
this moive caught my eyes~

- 琳 -

Monday, June 8, 2009 at 2:19 PM

cut my hair!!!
look so nerdy eh~ lolx

- 琳 -

Saturday, June 6, 2009 at 1:44 AM

exam finally over..now is finding job time..
so sian..i hate finding job..
no ppl wanna hire me..
cause i too lousy le..
sian.........

- 琳 -

Friday, June 5, 2009 at 12:13 PM

doom day in 2hr 46min

- 琳 -

Thursday, June 4, 2009 at 6:34 PM

1 paper dwn.
another paper to go.
and it will be tml.
after tml i will be FREE.
but still have to start finding job.

- 琳 -

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 at 11:29 AM

3.5 hour later.
is my doom day!

- 琳 -

Tuesday, June 2, 2009 at 2:02 PM

damn.
migraine strike me.
and now i m in pain.
feel so giddy.
holyshiet.

- 琳 -

exam tomorrow~ omg..

- 琳 -